Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
