someone threw a dead crab at me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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