Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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