no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
