I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
