I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
