True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
