He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
