All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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