I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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