just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
