You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
