Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
