Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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