just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
