just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
