i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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