Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
