I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
