ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
