i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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