I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
