She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
