Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
