Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
