I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
