before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
