I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
