If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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