My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
