just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
