im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Say something about gay babies.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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