Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You're like the curious george of whores
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
