i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
