I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
