i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
