You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
