and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
