I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
