Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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