so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
