you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
