Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
