I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
