When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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