If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
