i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
