So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want to be your penis for a week.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
