My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
