The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
