God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
