He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize