ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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