Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize