Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
