You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
