I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
