Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
