I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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