I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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