Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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