There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize