My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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