i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
