He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
