I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize