The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We have started to decorate penises.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You've changed since you got that strap on
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
